Saturday, July 18, 2015

Jesus's New Groove

May the peace of the Lord be with you. Today’s lesson comes from the book of Disney, beginning from its fortieth animated feature. Please rise.

via Tumblr
"And after tempting Jesus, Satan left him. Deep in hell, he took out his anger upon busts carved in the likeness of the Lord’s face, shattering them with his mallet of evil. Attending him was his servant, Stanley, who placed the busts before his master for him to smash. “He’s fully man!” Satan growled. “Why, I practically own him.” Stanley said, “Yeah, you think he would have given in easier.” Satan pursed his lips. “Go figure.”

"Stanley did prepare for his master many more busts for Satan to smash, and the rocks did scatter through the recesses of hell violently. “Well, it’s better you’re taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Jesus, huh?” At that moment, Satan was hit with his most favored idea yet, and exclaimed it with pride, “I’ll get rid of Jesus!” And Stanley was confused. “The real Jesus?” Satan glared at him with vehemence, and declared that they go to his secret laboratory, so that he might kill the heir to Heaven and sit upon the throne in his stead.

via Giphy
"Satan then planned the demise of Jesus.

via oodlyenough
"“Or, to save on postage, I shall crucify him!” And Satan held a small vial of evil aloft in his hand. “Indeed, in his weakness he shall not be able to resist the temptations I place upon his lips!”

via Buzzfeed
"The devil then sent Stanley to prepare for the Lord’s crucifixion. He was arrested, beaten, and mocked before the Roman guards. And when they had mocked Jesus, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.

"Hidden from mortal eyes, Satan consulted Stanley upon the following proceedings. He asked if everything were ready, and Stanley showed to his master the nails and mallets he had prepared  for the upcoming execution. “Not the crucifixion,” said Satan. “You know.” “Oh, right. The temptation. The temptation for Jesus, the temptation chosen especially to defeat Jesus, Jesus’s temptation. That temptation?” And Satan’s anger burned against Stanley. “Yes! That temptation.” Stanley had Satan covered, and with a few drops in his drink all of Heaven would be his before the ninth hour. Stanley pointed out that it would be a real shame, for the post-crucifixion dessert he had prepared was creamy and smooth indeed.

"At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice that he was thirsty. With a great shove, Satan pushed Stanley to run up to Jesus with his temptations soaked into a sponge, which he did raise to the Lord’s lips upon a stick. Stanley backed away, and with a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last.

via emperorsgifs
"Stanley did return to the blind, where Satan waited. “Now seal him in a tomb, where he shall never return!” he said. Stanley was disappointed, for he had worked extra hard on his raspberry jubilee, and so Satan agreed to a quick cup of coffee and raspberry jubilee before Stanley finished the job.

via rebloggy
"Satan arose to the throne of Heaven, and began his cruel and egocentric reign. Many people came to Satan, with their guilt and crimes. “What is it you want?” he asked. “Forgiveness? You should have thought of that before you became sinners!”

"Three days passed. Stanley edged into the throne room, where sat his master, eating grapes. “Jesus is in his tomb, right?” Satan asked. “I need to hear these words.” Stanley because nervous, and asked if he needed to hear those words exactly. And Satan’s anger burned against Stanley again. “Jesus is alive?” Stanley said, “Well, he is not as dead as we would have hoped. And he has become a llama.”

via Rebloggy
"With that, Satan rose to his feet in a mighty fury. “A llama? He’s supposed to be DEAD.” He glared at Stanley, who said, “Yeah, weird.” And Satan knew that Stanley had taken the wrong vial from the shelf before putting the temptation to the Lord’s lips.

via Emma Davis
"Before Jesus could return to the house where his disciples were, Satan confronted Jesus on the road. “This can’t be!” he proclaimed. “How did you forgive all of mankind despite the temptation that I gave to you?” Jesus elected to let Mary Magdalene answer the question, but she said, “You got me. By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.”

via gingerhaze
"Jesus then pounded his hooves into the ground and glared at Satan. “You have made a mistake, O evil one. You threw off my groove!” And an angel of the Lord descended from Heaven, saying, “I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off Jesus’s groove.” With all the might of the Lord he was smote back to hell, where he belonged, and all was well.

via Buzzfeed
"The Lord then proclaimed, “Woo-yeah! Look at me and my bad self! I rose from the grave! ‘Ooh, I’m a crumbly lord of humanity, and I’m taking you with me.’ Well, not today, pal!”

via Giphy
"And he walked alongside Mary to reveal to his disciples the truth of his resurrection. Mary did not think it was a good idea for him to surprise the others by pretending to be under Satan’s power, and especially not with a creature that she was not sure existed, so even though Jesus enjoyed being a llama, he returned to his human countenance until his ascension.

via Buzzfeed
"Nonetheless, he declared to her, “Blessed are those with a llama face, for theirs is my groove.”"

Here ends the reading.

And now you know what I think about during church on Sundays. What’s your favorite Emperor’s New Groove Quote?


(Note: even if it isn’t quoted some of the lines I used are from the NIV books of Matthew and Mark, as well as the Disney movie The Emperor’s New Groove.)

Due to foreseen circumstances I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on at the moment, I am not going to be able to see votes to schedule a voted-upon post next week. I have made an executive decision about what you shall read. Enjoy. 

14 comments :

  1. So basically I typically skip all your religious posts, except I read the first paragraph and started laughing so hard. (But, like, who is Stanley? I don't recall any Stanley in The Emperor's New Groove, and it definitely does not sound like a Biblical name.) Seriously, A+ crossover mashup and also A+ use of gifs, and basically you have once again proved how amazing your humour is.

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    1. I know you do. XD But, humor and religion are two of my favorite things, and if you cannot laugh about religion, what is life? (Stanley is not from the Bible and is kind of supposed to be Kronk, but Kronk is kind of a one-of-a-kind name. Stanley was the best not-quite-evil-enough name I could think of.) Thank you very much! I enjoy both writing Bible fan fiction during church and making fun of stuff. Thanks for reading, Alyssa!

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  2. This was just too good, I couldn't stop laughing! I must say that I didn't see Jesus getting turned into a llama coming (even though I probably should have). Fantastic choice of gifs, as always.

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    1. XD I'm glad you laughed! I enjoyed writing it very much! Thanks for reading, Victoria!

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  3. "And he has become a llama." Amazing. :') This made me laugh to heaven and back, and it was so not what I was expecting (I thought it was a religious post about...Jesus' taste in music? I don't know).

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    1. XD Well, surprises can be fun sometimes, haha. (I can say with certainty, however, I have absolutely no idea what Jesus' taste in music was.) Thanks for reading, Jo!

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  4. I love this so much. I CAN'T. The Llamas tho too. This. is. complete. gold. Made my day XD

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    1. XD I'm glad you love it! Jesus as a llama is always an exciting idea. Thanks for enjoying, Nirvana!

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  5. Hahahaha, that was too funny. You're so creative!

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    1. :) Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading, Sunny!

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  6. I love, I love! This is hilarious! I love how you merged Jesus' words and disney! This is well executed and beautiful! Good job, Heather! haha, I drift off sometime in church as well, although I've never some up with something like this during that time.

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    1. XD I'm glad you like it! The fun of crossover fan fic is doing just that. Thanks for enjoying the story so much! And I cannot blame you for drifting off either, but who knows? Perhaps someday you too shall fall into stories such as this!

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