Fear not, friends. I have heard your cries and I have formed a list so that we will have no more doubts about what makes up Christian fiction!
You Might Be Reading Christian Fiction If…
…the only people in the world are Christians and atheists.
(Are you suggesting there are other teams?)
...there are Christians, atheists, Jews, and Muslims; technically they were mentioned in the Bible, too.
(We can let Ishmael in, if we have to. But there will be no forgiveness. Forgiveness is bad.)
…people who don’t believe in God hate all Christians, ever.
(It is impossible for a Christian and non-Christian to be friends.)
…the cast = white majority + 1 choice ethnicity (preferably in need of charitable help)
(Look how racially conscious we are!)
|(All satire aside, this is legit my most favorite pickup line of all time.)|
…the girl gets her heart broken or is victimized or is dumped with a baby by some non-God-fearing male because that is what happens to sinful girls.
(Perfect girls do not have this problem. And boys are also perfect so it isn’t a problem.)
…everybody who is married must have or will have kids.
(Marriages are not valid unless you have babies. Single people can attend the Saturday night service until they straighten up and fly right.)
…gender roles are strict and obvious and immutable.
(Women can’t be spiritual leaders; they stay home and pray while strong and independent and brave men dominate the battlefield and do NOT need a woman’s help.)
…it takes place far away from urban life, preferably in the country or a historically sparsely-populated region.
(We’re hiding from the Witnesses.)
|via Quick Meme|
…there’s Amish people. Amish people EVERYWHERE.
(America is so immoral; I’ll feel better about my life by reading books where your ankles are indecent.)
…Amish culture is used to contrast liberal modern American Christianity, because their unforgiving theology and lifestyle can routinely be summed up in three hundred pages or less.
(I’m sure they can’t be that complicated.)
…if a Christian is in jail then it’s probably because they’re a Christian.
(It would be absurd for a Christian to be a murderer.)
...Christians are persecuted, SO MUCH PERSECUTION, but nobody else.
(Christians are one thing—but who on earth would care if another group was persecuted?)
|via Christian Memes|
…all future Christians are being oppressed because it can only go downhill from here.
(There’s a zero chance that people in the future will allow for religious tolerance.)
…the future is so bad, the very word “Christian” is right up there with “terrorist.”
(Ooooh, you said it.)
…the plot is about as edgy as a dandelion circling its prey.
(That historical fiction romance scene though.)
…at least one popular Christian band is mentioned to carry the pop culture aspect.
(We’re traditional AND not totally lame!)
|via Christian Memes|
…the romance consists of a girl wanting to marry a guy and God not letting her marry the guy right this instant.
(God made me a woman, women exist solely to complement men, therefore God owes me a man. Why would he make me wait so long?)
…someone gets pregnant.
(This is either the most obvious display of immoral sin ever or the creation of new and beautiful life that we praise God for every day. There is no in between.)
…Christians never do tyrannous things in the name of God.
(That would never happen.)
…normally bad decisions are okay, so long as they support Christian values.
(Shotgun weddings, marriages straight out of high school, stalking people, being rude. Whatever!)
And there you have it, half of all you need to know about Christian fiction. Stay tuned for next week’s edition, when all else will be revealed!