Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Some Concerns I Have About You Ruling the World

Totally not naming names, but I’ve noticed that there are more than a few constituents of the writing/blogging/fictional community who have plans for world domination—or, alternatively, some who believe they are already in possession of it.

This concerns me.

I say this not only as a citizen of the to-be-dominated world, but as someone who pays a lot of attention to would-be rulers in general.

That being said, I have a few thoughts I just want you to think about before you (or your characters) announce yourself as a world-dominator.

1. There is More Than One Applicant For the Position

Life got pretty bad when there were three Popes, and the Pope is head of a church. If there are upwards of a hundred applicants, not nearly as holy, wanting to rule the world, they’re going to have to duke it out, or go by “a ruler of the world” instead of “the ruler of the world.” Is that what you really have in mind?

2. No One Ever Talks About Politics

Partitioning Africa meant making rival cultures get along using force. That was one continent. If you do this to the whole world, I have a problem because...

3. Where Are Your Guns? Where Are Your Armies?

People really don’t like being taken over. Pick a war! Any war! People fight against new management, and if you want to make changes, you need to be able to enforce them. Besides, if everybody wants to rule the world, you’re going to need a defense plan.

4. Charm Isn’t Enough

No, you say, I don’t need guns—people will accept me because I am not evil! Spoiler alert, niceness doesn’t put food on the table. Hitler wouldn’t have been an effective ruler if he didn’t offer solutions for his people; there are a lot of solution-less people in the world and a smile isn’t going to help them.

5. You Don’t Talk About Your Programs

Speaking of solution-less people, they will allege themselves to solution-makers. One time in France a ruling class didn’t make solutions for their impoverished people. This guy named Robespierre really hated it, so he killed them. What exactly are you offering that would make people not want to kill you?

6. You Don’t Have Goals

“Rule the World” is not a goal. This is a goal: “By the end of 2025, I will be Earth’s benevolent dictator and presiding lawmaker after obtaining and consolidating the world’s militaries as my own police force and leveling the global standard of living.”

7. You Don’t Have an Action Plan

After making that goal, how are you going to get there? A goal without a plan is just a wish, and if taking over the world were easy, everyone would do it. Where will you get the money, resources, manpower, financial support, etcetera?

8. Where’s the Fan Club?

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Nine pirates, everyone always votes for himself, there is never a majority, and you can never elect a pirate king. You need a fan club. Someone like Jack Sparrow, who will vote for you, stand behind you as you go to war, and defend you against the other would-be rulers. Bonus points for being sassy. Who’s in your posse?

9. Will You Solve Anything Other than First World Problems?

If I ruled the world, all baristas would be required to make cool designs in every latte, because everybody knows it tastes better when it looks cool. Wow. How profound am I? I’m sure this is why Africa has children who are dying of starvation—they won’t drink design-less lattes. If the point of your ruling the world is to solve the minor inconveniences of the first world, maybe you should just get a degree in business instead.

10. If You Don’t Do Anything, What is the Point Of You Being In Charge?

Last thing. If all you do is take a title and don’t invest in your new planet, what is the point of you being in charge? If nothing changes, did it ever happen?

And that is just my food for thought for all you world-rulers out there. Don’t worry, I realize that I’m not a good leader and have no desires to compete with you. However, as a concerned citizen, I’d like you to work out the kinks BEFORE your stunning takeover.

I’d appreciate it. Thank you.

Are you (still) a potential ruler of the world? If so, please don’t have me assassinated for blowing holes in your plans. 

(P.S. Yes, I know—most of the world-takeover plans are in jest, but if doing WBIs on Friday has changed me at all, it’s in never taking world management lightly. Go figure.)


  1. I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.

    It was a nice gesture, though.

    1. Well, no one can say I didn't try. I hope you enjoy your backup plan. :)

  2. Awesome post. I think there's some great advice in there! Particularly the whole "if you're just going to solve first world problems, maybe you should think about a degree in business instead" bit. That was good.

    Those are some big holes to fill, but I'm sure someone will rise to the challenge >.>

    1. Well, if all you're going to do is make sure that rich kids in the U.S. don't have to pay shipping on their books, then you might be better suited to a career in Amazon then you do in world ruling. I'm just saying.

      When they do rise, I'd be very interested to see how they go about it. :)

  3. Haha, this was satirical goodness with GIFs on point!
    I think it also applies to writing a good villain. There's nothing worse than reading about a baddie who wants power for the sake of power.

    Also, the reference to the three popes made my Medieval Studies heart happy. As well as the other historical references:)

    1. Glad you thought so! Villains do need to remember this, because while I do think power for the sake of power can be dangerous as well, the ones who want power for the sake of power and can survive my thoughts are probably more better suited to the job.

      AP Euro did me some good! :) Glad you caught them!

  4. This was brilliant, but that last gif was too soon. :') I think I'll never get over Mufasa's death...

    Also, I appreciate the advice, but I am totally going to rule the world and there's nothing that can stop me. *evil villian laugh* But I will make it a law to give out free cookies every Friday, so the world will be in safe hands. :)

    1. You're right, you're right. That was insensitive of me, and I apologize.

      Well, good luck. You haven't exactly bolstered my confidence but maybe it will be okay.

  5. I will take your problems on board, especially the fact that there are other applicant's and I promise to listen to any further concerns, because I would like my rule to make the world a better place for everyone. But the world will be mine!


    1. Well, it's nice to know you've been heard. I hope your world rule does in fact make the world a better place—best of luck obtaining it.

  6. There's basically not much I can say here, since (a) it is fabulous as Heather and (b) I already withdrew my application to conquer the world a couple posts ago on the blog, so there. But now I'm going to Twitter and asking world rulers what first world problems they'll solve because that would be quite funny, I think.

    1. Well, I can't say I'm disappointed. Because I'm not sure whether the post was really successful or not. But anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'd really like to know the answers to those questions as well!

  7. Oh yes, there are many people in this blogosphere that claim to have goals of world domination, and I agree that they should follow these tips-especially the last one. Good rulers get things done!

    Mostly, though, I came here to say that the wise ones are those that do not publicize their plans of world domination. Just sayin'... ;)

    1. Well, I'm glad we're in agreement. It makes me feel better that other people are also concerned about the welfare of the world.

      And, you know, I was thinking the same thing myself. LOL.

  8. I personally think, ruling the world is the perfect strategy to gain audience for your blog. I know a bunch of bloggers laiming to rule the world, English and German and somehow all of them have more than hundred followers. For once, I think it's cool, but in my opinion it's just uncreative... and fun of course, because you can make jokes about it.
    Cool post anyway :-)

    1. That is... pretty clever, I'll admit. Those people are mightily impressive, to gather so many minions, especially in so short a time! However, you're right—everyone is simply using the same idea. But, worth joking about. Thanks for stopping by, Windsprite!


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