Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Announcing Heather the Blog Designer


All right, I told myself I was going to do this and now I will. Just watch me.

For a long time now I’ve been realizing that my blog hasn’t accurately displayed a really important part of me, and I am slowly realizing that this isn’t something I can hide or ignore. We all have feelings, hopes, dreams, and while I have always been too scared to show it off before, this is my day to shine.

I want to be a web designer.

This may come as a surprise to many of you because you have not seen any evidence of my craft, and I’ve never posted about it. I assure you, I’m serious and I can’t keep it in anymore! Not only do I LOVE drawing and creating my own blog designs, but I know I can help other people on their own blogs. Because I’m enormously talented.

I decided that to celebrate my big day, I would redesign a few other blogs and show off what I’ve got. I know that these bloggers are already proud of their own work, and they should be—it’s just that I’m so kind and generous and much better.

So, I’ve done some design tweaks, shined up the blog themes, and gotten a few testimonial reviews of the pitches. Be sure to let me know what you think, and enjoy!


We can take over the world with cyborg opal squirrels. 

The devious Opal decides to put everything on hold and begin to take over the world with opal squirrels of her own ingenious design. With the assistance of her mighty cat Hunter, she wields a pen and nuclear weapons, and details the progress of her world takeover in an online diary. Merry takeover, everyone!

“I never thought I would want to live under the maniacal control of an evil dictator, but after reading Opal Squirrels I can see that the world is in good hands!” –Timmy Big

“The squirrels are so cute and I’m just sure that this plan can’t go wrong. Hey, what does this button do?” –Opal’s Grandma

(formerly Opal Swirls)


If you don’t have anything nice to say, grab a pint and pull up a chair.

Imogen reopens her blog as a hub for our favorite fictional fiends—a safe place for villains and other dastardly figures to complain about the hazardous heroes of their own tales! Whether it’s just to let off some steam or come up with a plan to destroy your enemy’s reputation, there’s a place for you here! Free tacos on Tuesdays; non-alcoholic drinks available.

“It’s hard being the Dark Lord. I know that when I come here I’m among friends, and no one will make fun of me for being defeated by a baby. Drinks on me!” –Tom (“Voldemort”) Riddle

“I had the perfect plan. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and their stupid Raven!” –Anastasia Furan (on her third round, so we can assume she liked it)

(formerly Gossiping with Dragons)


Serving takeout: greasy, buttery, tasty and obesity by Alyssa Carlier since 1940.

Alyssa approaches a stage in her blog where her takeout no longer pertains to dry old books but the moist comfort food that nourishes us all. Whether she discusses the latest meal she’s decided to share or the morality of eating the Devil’s food, you’re sure to leave satisfied. Come hungry, leave sinfull!

“The takeout sporks have become more than a meal—they’re a way of life. If hell is a fast food chain then baby, you can have my soul!” –Mickey Donald

“They serve bacon here. That’s all you need to know.” –Wendy King

(formerly The Devil Orders Takeout)


Do you hear the people fart in your general direction?

Aimee explores both comedy and tragedy as she uses all her powers of snark and sarcasm, and of course unending sympathy, as she examines some of the greatest pieces of musical literature and film in France. One shrubbery required for every entry. Be sure to visit; we don’t want any empty chairs at empty tables!

“I laughed and cried at the same time—there is a grief that can’t be spoken because we’re all alone, there is no one here beside us. We just have to always look on the bright side of life and remember that every day we walk with stronger steps, we walk with longer steps, the worst is over.” –Arthur P.

“You won’t want to look down, because this is the blog that goes like this!” –Jean V.

(formerly To the Barricade)


Now, because I am a gracious and generous web designer, I thought it would be fun to have a vote! Many bloggers have seen or heard of Madam Cait from Paper Fury, but as I’m sure you’ve realized by now she is not living up to her full potential. Will she find a new and creative way to deal with the paper products in her life, or join the brave new initiative to save the world, square by square?

The choice is yours!


Read Wipe Roll World



Stupid-ass decisions. Electing to ignore them.


Which will it be? Toilet Paper Fury or Paper Nick Fury?



(formerly Paper Fury)


Ta-da! I hope my big announcement didn’t surprise you TOO much and you know, I think this will be a really great new direction as I keep making my designs perfecter and perfecter. I have loved helping these bloggers out so much, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll click the image below and see exactly what I mean!

April Fool’s!

I’m sure that was really hard for you to figure out. But in case you were having trouble following along, allow me to clarify some things.

Don’t worry. I’m not going into the design business. You couldn’t pay me to touch your blog. And let’s be real—I’m not very good at design, but I’m pretty okay at making fun of things. Have an awesome April 1st and go fart in someone’s general direction in my honor. ☺

Also, if you go look at Imogen's blog, she literally changed her blog design 12 hours before this post went live. BUT WHATEVER. Her new design looks awesome, and I won't compete with that.

Disclaimer: I totally did not get permission from any of these people to make fun of them, though I thought about it a lot. I apologize to all the good people of Opal Swirls, Eleventyseven, Opal’s Grandma, Gossiping with Dragons, J.K. Rowling, Mark Walden, The Devil Orders Takeout, To The Barricade, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Les Misérables, Paper Fury, and The Avengers Initiative. Just know that I was rooting for you, I really was.

(Also, that’s molasses, not poop. Just if you were curious.)

Whose blog do you like the most? Aren’t my design skills just *fabulous*? I would love to hear your fawning adoration the whole time.


28 comments :

  1. I got a bit worried there! Your fabulous editing skills could earn you a niche as a satire artist, but perhaps not a web designer. Way better than my april Fools, which involved bananas in strange places.

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    1. Haha, glad to getcha. Fear not, I have no desire to be a web designer, although practicing satire might be fun. Parody is good too. And also bananas. Put the bananas in ALL the places.

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  2. I am so proud of myself for not falling for that. (To be fair, I was waiting the ENTIRE day for an April Fools' prank, so yeah.) And goodness, I'm choking at the redesigned banner. Okay, to be fair, at all of them. Although Opal Squirrels is a really adorable icon :D

    *chokes some more in laughter*

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    1. :) Good job. And, sorry to keep you waiting. XD Thanks for laughing, and you're right about Opal Squirrels. That one is first because it almost looks real there for a minute. XD

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  3. Awesome post! I really like your blog! Happy April Fools! Please check out my blog and post a comment on it thanks

    shinenelevate.blogspot.co.uk

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  4. Gosh, this was hilarious, Heather! How long did it take you to do this? In all seriousness, though, I actually think it would be pretty interesting to be a web designer-at least when it comes to the coding side of it. It would be a ton of fun, and I'm sure I'd learn a lot through the process. There will be no April Fool's joke on my blog today because it's my blogoversary (and that's not a joke).

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    1. :D Glad you enjoyed it. It took a while. But I spread it out, so it was okay. I think being a web designer would be interesting too, although it's not really up my alley. I'm more of a "google it when I need to know it" kind of learner. Happy blogoversary!

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  5. I figured it out before clicking. :P But the first one actually looked really good! :D

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    1. Yeah, it was a little obvious. And that's why the first one went first. :)

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  6. Oh Oh Oh this is the first April Fools prank that I have encountered today! :-) This is beautiful and I love it. Especially Toilet Paper Fury. It's glorious.

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    1. First place! *fist pump* Toilet Paper Fury is my second-favorite. I still can't get over my catchphrase for "From the Barricade" but that's because I have the maturity of an eight year old. Thanks for reading! :)

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  7. THIS IS THE BEST. I couldn't stop laughing xD Thank you for redesigning my blog :)

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    1. YAY. Glad you're laughing, and you're welcome. :)

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  8. HA HA HA HA.

    No.

    XD Okay, ya got me. My mouth kind of dropped and I may or may not have squeaked, "WHAT IS THIS LUNACY." But seriously....Plungers Assemble. *snorts* Also Alyssa's... xD OMG. HA.

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    1. XD April Fool. :) But, it was very much meant to be lunacy, so you kinda got it, even if you didn't. XD Good to hear you're enjoying it. :)

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  9. Oh my God, I actually believed you at the start! XD XD XD

    I fell for that one hook line and sinker, eh?

    And Toilet Paper Fury......I laughed so much at that one! :)

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    1. XD Well, I didn't try to make it too easy. ;)

      Yes, I really enjoyed that one myself as well! :) Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. Ha, this was such a great April Fool's joke. At first, I was sure this was going to be an April Fool's Joke, then I thought that I was probably wrong and you were serious after all, but NOPE. Funny Stuff :D

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    1. You shouldn't have second-guessed yourself. :) I was just messing around after all. Glad to hear you enjoyed it! :D

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  11. You, my friend, are a genius. :') I was dead from laughing by the time I got to Random Morbid Obesity. I was actually about to make a post about my love of design and I was going to mention how you understand how I feel because you, too, have a passion for it! But no, I was fooled. >:)

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    1. XD Yeah, I'm sorry. I perhaps got a little bit too carried away. Still, it's awesome that YOU love design, and I wish you all the best in your upcoming post, because it is still awesome that way. :)

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  12. That was so funny. I was halfway through the post when I was like 'hmmm, that's not the way Heather usually talks' and I went and checked the date. I loved the toilet paper fury, that was hilarious. the designs were actually pretty good, and so were the words :D

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    1. XD Good on ya for picking up on the difference! I enjoyed Toilet Paper Fury, yes. I am not really a designer, though—I think I'm prouder of the words. And From The Barricade's Words were my favorite.

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  13. I can hardly type...I'm still laughing. This post is PRICELESS.

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    1. XD Glad you enjoyed it. It was so worth it. :)

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Check it out, comments and stuff. I love to hear from readers, and I always respond to commenters! Here's the fun part—if you leave a link to your blog I'll show up and comment back. I have just one rule down here: Don't Be a Problem. This spans the entire umbrella of rudeness and crudeness, so I reiterate: Don't Be a Problem. Thanks for stopping by!