Wednesday, September 17, 2014

You Might Be a Stereotype If... (Princess Edition)

Tiara? Check. Ball gown? Check. Handsome prince…. Do I even have to ask? There are some very, very obvious elements a proper princess simply cannot exist without. I suggest you review the riles, just so we’re clear on what’s what.

You Might be a Princess If…

…you are infatuated with at least one handsome male, who is rich, handsome, and can’t keep his hands—I mean, eyes—off you.

(But then again, why shouldn’t he?)
Flickr Credit: chiaralily

…you are a teenager, or at the very least have not yet turned 21.

(Honestly, after that I just don’t understand why your parents aren’t dead already. Like, how else will you be queen?)

…you are drop-dead gorgeous.

(I’m pretty sure there’s a law somewhere that princesses can’t be ugly. Otherwise we drop them in boiling oil and turn them into witches.)

…people are jealous of that gorgeousness.


…you are as pure as a rose and as innocent as a baby deer who frolics in the forest happily.

(Princesses wait until marriage.)

…you can’t hold your own in a fight.

(Beating people up is for strong and handsome princes. It should exhaust you just watching him.)

…or you refuse to accept that, and will never let anyone else fight on your behalf, ever.

(Not to drop the damsel in distress deal, but you are a strong and capable woman who can fight in her underpants and you are too busy embracing your hostile femininity to allow stupid males to interfere with your exceedingly important independence. Nope, not gonna happen.)

…you need to take care of the men in your life.

(Excuse you, but men are dumb. Far be it from them to know how to wash dishes or mend a wound. After all, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.)

…and you need the men in your life to take care of you.

(Like princesses do finances.)

Flickr Credit: nhojleunamme
…you change for the man that you love.

(Cuz it doesn’t matter. You still get the guy, win-win situation.)

…you are white.

(It’s so nice that Tiana’s unique. It would be horrible if we ruined that for her.)

…you weigh ninety pounds or less.

(Okay, let’s just be honest here: ice cream is for the weak.)

…all your necklines plunge.

(Fashion, dahling.)

…you have a kindly woman in your life who takes better care of you than your mother.

(Well, it’s not like you can just fire a wet nurse. Besides, the queen must be sooo busy, sitting by the king and all.)

…and your mom is dead.

(Or your Dad. Why not both? The more the merrier!)

…your life is saved by a man.

(Who else was going to save it?)

…you are fairly confident that the fat people in your life are evil.

(Remember what I said about ice cream? I’m telling you, you can’t trust these people.)

…you are also fairly confident that ugly people are evil.

(You don’t even have to know them. It’s the outside that counts—don’t you ever forget that.)

…you need to be protected.

(How tragic would it be if you were killed, right? Danger is for the unimportant wenches.)

Flickr Credit: Parée
…your I.Q. is less than one hundred.

(Which is fine. It’s like golf, the lower the score the better—just so long as your face is there to save you.)

…you can talk to animals.

(I mean, nature is just really deep, and it’s so beautiful it makes your innocence hurt. It must be so hard to be one of those other people—I don’t know how anyone can trust them.)

…you’re an only child.

(That ‘heir and a spare’ thing is like, for people who can’t plan. Like a real princess could die.)

…some of your friends are not human.

(Do you want to build a snowman?)

…your job is to get married.

(And marriage is totally great, because finally you’ll be able to put that board on Pinterest to use at last!)

…or you refuse to get married.

(When you said that you were going to donate to charity, this isn’t what you had in mind.)

…you do not have any real female friends your own age.

(Like, nobody understands you. The struggle is real.)

…your best friend is a male.

(Because you have to have an adventure somehow.)

…you would die before you fell in love with that male.

(There’s a reason we have the friend-zone: people like him exist.)

…you really change.

(Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean any of that stuff before. I’m different now. I’m changed!)

…you’re the exact same as before.

(Ha, ha, JK. Like there’s a need to change this kind of perfection!)

[Editor’s Note: I’m not saying all of these things are good, and I’m not saying all of these things are bad. I think there’s a little bit of both inside this list. What I am saying is that you see some of this stuff a lot in fiction, and you see some of these reactions a lot in real life. Princesses are diverse, they’re volatile, they’re interesting—and they’re also horribly abused. Think about it. Are any of these ideas really so untrue?]

Flickr Credit: Olivier CIAPPA

What princess stereotypes are on your list? Do you hate some more than others?


  1. Funny but true. I wish there were Disney prince movies! That would be so cool.

    1. Haha, I think Disney has a lot yet to account for. All the same, considering all the other male prince roles (Hercules, etc.) I doubt they'd do anything spectacular. I guess we can dream!


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