Friday, August 29, 2014

Otto Malpense: A Celebration

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Three birthdays. Three weeks. Percy had his heyday last Monday, we have a very special birthday today,
and yet another one on Monday. This is the hard one. I could completely ignore it, if I wanted, but I can’t simply ignore the main character of my favorite series.

That’s right, I’m talking about Otto Malpense.

Otto is a fascinating character. He’s not my favorite character, but I like him because he has been engineered, and yet goes against his design plan. He grows; once he was a proud little British twerp and now he’s becoming the man who will conquer the world. He makes friendships. He picks his fights. And little by little, he is earning respect from the people who will one day work alongside him.

I am going to be honest, I write H.I.V.E. fan fiction all the time—and very rarely does Otto feature. It’s not that I don’t like him, but he is too dang hard to write. I applaud Mark Walden, not only because he manages to keep plugging out these books, but also because he has made a person a challenge. You don’t get that too often.

So, what can I possibly do to celebrate his birthday? I have decided on three things.

1. When You’re Evil by Voltaire

Dr. Nero would shudder, but it’s a catchy song, all the same. My dear Dr. Nero can suck it.

2. My Favorite Otto Quotes

I have me a nice notebook where I write down good quotes, and some of the ones in H.I.V.E. are frankly awesome. Otto especially has some wit.

“Friends, as they say, may come and go, but high powered laser weapons are forever.” –H.I.V.E., Mark Walden, page 24

“Otto very much doubted if the words ‘free snack machine’ and ‘sensible’ should ever be used in the same sentence where Franz was concerned.” –H.I.V.E., Mark Walden, page 135

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and a megalomaniacal headmaster, the world’s deadliest assassin, giant mutated plant monsters, an international cartel of supervillains, and the security forces of every counter on earth, but other than that… just fear.” –Otto Malpense, The Overlord Protocol, Mark Walden, page 70

“Hey, I like boring and predictable. It’s less likely to end in, you know… pain, death, all that stuff. We need more boring and predictable in our lives.” –Otto Malpsense, Dreadnought, Mark Walden, page 97

“If success is dictated by luck, then it isn’t really success at all.” –Otto Malpense, Aftershock, Mark Walden, page 111

3. A Good Old-Fashioned “Conspiracy” Theory

He might roll his eyes, but I am almost positive that conspiracy theories could be taught as a class at H.I.V.E. Now, the next book in the series isn’t due to come out until next summer (that’s what I’m hoping, anyway) but I have a pretty nifty theory about what will happen in the next book. YES, THERE ARE SPOILERS. IF THAT BOTHERS YOU THEN JUST CLOSE THIS TAB NOW BEFORE I RUIN YOUR LIFE.


There are Otto-clones in the making, and they’re coming for H.I.V.E. Between the beginning and the middley-climaxy part, they will invade and they will wreak havoc. Maybe they will let Anastasia Furan go. Maybe Nero will have to admit that he was either descended from/in love with a Anastasia’s sister (I’m praying for the love one because even though Mark has set it up so that it’s his mom I still think he deserves this terrible tragic romance that has embittered him until the end). Maybe Penny will die. But these new Otto-clones are not like Otto—they can reach into your very mind and make you crazy. As Otto threatened in Deadlock, they will reach into the minds of Block and/or Tackle, and leave one or both of them brain dead. The rest of the H.I.V.E. crew finds them vegetables, which is terrifying, because they know it will happen again. Fast forward. Ms. Leon knows some good information. The Otto-clones are reaching into her mind, and the H.I.V.E. crew has to find a way to save her. With all of this pressure Professor Pike does the best he can to return Ms. Leon to her original body. And for a moment, they don’t think they have—but then she is alive and has opposable thumbs and there is great celebration! Even better, Ms. Leon is the sneaky-meister and is able to help them sneak their way to success.

I am also really in favor of this idea because cats are not immortal, and I’m starting to worry about Ms. Leon’s life left in that cat.

So that’s that. Happy birthday, Otto Malpense, and here’s to the books to come!

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